Mark Morford helps me to keep my finger on the pulse of America, from which by the way, I departed [bag and baggage] some two decades ago. And beneith his delicious, and somewhat warped, humor there is more than a kernel of truth.
The evil gay agenda is nearly complete. Who poses the next horrible, godless threat?
This much we know: We gotta have an enemy.
It's just a basic, nation-defining requirement. We must, as a culture, as a people, always find some sort of scapegoat upon which to blame all our ills. It's just how we roll.
We have our standards. It needs to be a truly nefarious threat, some unsavory group whose members, through covert recruitment techniques and/or by flaunting what they like to do to each other with their genitalia, are secretly trying to undermine the American way of life, destroy families, prey upon 'tweens and turn our children into heathen pervert socialists who want to smoke Cuban cigars, wear sequined turbans and marry livestock.
You know the type? Of course you do.
Communists had their turn. Feminists. Hippies. Then came the evil homosexual people, with their famous, much-lauded agenda to destroy the holy sanctimony of Christian marriage via encouraging girls to smoke and listen to punk rock, teaching interior decorating to straight boys and convincing innocent church pastors and Republican senators to fellate them in cheap motel rooms. The horror!
But no longer. Proposition 8 and The Ugly Mormon Uprising of 2008 notwithstanding, the gays have nearly completed their vile mission. They are everywhere. They are almost normal. Gay marriage, the last civil right, is now less an impossible dream and far more a foregone conclusion. It's merely a matter of waiting for bitter old homophobes to die off.
Which leaves us a gaping hole, an urgent question in need of an answer. Who's next? Whom will the pseudo-moralists in America accuse of trying to convert our innocent children to their depraved ways? After all, it's only through clearly identifying those things we hate and fear and don't understand that we become better parents, Americans, Christians. Wasn't that Jesus' message? Damn right it was.
Will it be, say, the polyamorists? Vegetarians? Yoga teachers? Polyamorist vegetarian yoga teachers who like anal sex and Ecstasy and really strong coffee? We must ponder. We must find out.
Read on for the choices, which are priceless, and almost predictable [depending on how warped your mental appartus might be] . . .
I especially enjoyed the last choice:
Smart people. And now, the most sinister threat of all. Is there a darker menace to the American way of life, to Christian panic and Republican clenchiness and widespread hysteria, than lots and lots of calm intelligence? After all, knowledge is power. Knowledge is the ability to see past the knee-jerk reactionaries, the sexual panic, the shrill, God-thumping nonsense. Knowledge is, therefore, evil like candy.
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