Some days my random web-surfing is close to being a dud, a nothingness in that vast sargasso sea of internet babble. Today I hit the jackpot on discovering a hilarious and passionate writer, albeit a 'crippled' one. Pulls no punches and is certainly not PC. Mike Ervin is also known as Smart Ass Cripple ["Expressing pain through sarcasm since 2010."] Since he has been disabled since birth, he pens what others may think, but don't dare put into writing.
"My dad had three kids with his first wife. None of them were crippled. Then my dad had three more kids with my mom. All crippled. I was the last one to come along so it must’ve been me they were talking about that day back when I was a tiny criplet and my mom overheard one of her in-laws say, “I blame her for this.”
Blame. That word smacked my mom across the back of the head like an irate nun. You never blame someone for doing something good. “I blame YOU for rescuing my infant child from the jaws of that alligator!”
One of the problems with being crippled is that it’s nearly impossible to sneak up on anybody. People always see and or hear us coming. They can even see most cripples coming while we’re still in the womb these days, what with ultrasound and amniocentesis and all.
I was born back in the days when crippled fetuses could still . . . . "
"Now that the regular Olympics are over, the cripple Olympics will soon be officially underway in London.
Sorry. I know I should be shot by a cripple firing squad for saying that. Even though I spend way too much time watching regular sports, I have no interest in cripple sports. Maybe I’m just bitter because I can’t heave a steel ball five feet. But I think it’s that I don’t find cripple sports as entertaining as regular sports.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no sports bigot. There are some Olympic sports that would be way more entertaining to watch in the cripple Olympics than in the regular Olympics, but they’re not part of the cripple Olympics. Take for instance, wheelchair pole vaulting. All the wheelchair athletes I know are too wussy to try that one. But then they complain about how no one pays attention to the cripple Olympics. Well you can’t have it both ways! Those millions of people who love extreme sports like rocket-powered snowboarding would really get their rocks off watching wheelchair pole vaulting.
And how about wheelchair beach volleyball? Two things that don’t go together are wheelchairs and thick sand. Your wheels sink in and you’re stuck. You practically need a tow truck to get out. Wheelchair beach volleyballers would have almost zero mobility and range. So in order to keep the ball in the air . . . . "
We are all familiar with Batman, Superman, and Spiderman, but there is nothing to equal 'BULLSHIT MAN', and Karl is perfect for the job. No costume, mask, or flowing cape needed, just the conviction, based on knowledge, that what someone is spouting is nonsense.
I admit to being a long time afficionado of the books and words of Maurice Sendak. An affair which began as I was finishing my undergrad work at L.A. State in 1963, and when his 'Where The Wild Things Are' was published, and my closest friend J. was pumping out yet another child. [Although she had never found a husband, she seemed to become impregnated with increassing regularity.]
Maurice Sendak was doing the same, but with phenomenal books for children.
Where the Wild Things Are (as read by Christopher Walken)
As long as conservatives view the words "Happy Holidays" as a subtextual "F**k you and your Baby Jesus," there can be no peace
Fox News' annual "War On Christmas" coverage (and Jon Stewart's ensuing reaction segments) have become holiday traditions in and of themselves. This year, however, Stewart chose to debunk Fox's holiday paranoia in a slightly different way: declaring war on Christmas himself.
In part one, below, Stewart pinpoints who Fox News sees as this year's biggest Christmas offender: Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee, who's calling his state's Christmas tree a "holiday tree" instead. But Fox's outrage goes far beyond one person. A quick look at their recent segments showed that replacing "Christmas" with "holiday" not only puts our religious freedoms "on the rocks," but goes against everything the pilgrims and our founding fathers would have wanted.
Naturally, Stewart was ready with some light research to disprove all those claims. He also pointed out how Fox should be more outraged about the tax payer money funding all the Christmas decorations you see in public spaces (not to mention the atrocities that are Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber's Christmas songs) rather than worry about semantics. After a thorough takedown, Stewart left his desk to address the nation in a slightly more serious way: declaring his own war on Christmas.
"Fox, you take for granted the ubiquity of christmas, but if there has been a war, Christmas is the aggressor nation," Stewart explained. "As long as our enemies view the term 'Happy Holidays' as a subtextual, "F*ck you and your baby Jesus," there can be no peace."
Now translate into Thai, and to place a copy of this clever ad in my neighbor's mail box, who lets his five less than adorable Spitzers out very early every morning so they can individually and collectively poop in the vacinity of my front gate. My nose and eyes have for months given proof to the fact that there was no poop fairy.